mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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