I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
