I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
