Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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