just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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