drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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