hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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