my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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