How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
