I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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