Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
