dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
