Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Randomize
