Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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