You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
