My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
