my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
