hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
