i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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