is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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