i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Ladies don't puke and tell
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Randomize
