Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Will exercising make me less horny?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
