Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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