Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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