Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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