Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
