im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Randomize
