This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
