I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
