she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
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Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
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I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize