hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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