A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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