you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
