So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
