just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
