Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
