I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
