I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Houston, we have a squirter
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
