Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
