I accidentally burped into my bong.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
