i'm signing you up for texting rehab
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
