it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
