how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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