Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
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I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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