I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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