Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
