How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
