I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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