apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Your penis caused this!
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
