i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
