I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
