he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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