Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
