She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Randomize
