Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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