I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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