Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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