you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize