Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Randomize
