You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
