I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize
