My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
