My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
